Unpredict

The Weatherman said that,
"it'll rain all day..."
And I believe him.
He has far too many relying on his words
To be misleading.

They've got pictures of the torrents,
Pictures of the floods.
Movies of the Red Tide,
And of the heavens opening up.

It's looming in the distance, biding its time.
Converging fronts' contention,
Then the cloudburst alarms.

Today we are inside, pushing to go out.
Tomorrow, scorched by the sun,
Parched, bloated, and stout.

I'm happy in the shade;
While running through the rain.
When stuck inside with you
Doing only what we can.

Clouds and Mouth open
Tasting the sky's recycling.
Face wet, Arms wet, Feet wet.

Mind clean and cleared as the skies have.

Is this morning breaking,
Or is the rain ceasing?
Is the sun rising,
Or are the clouds parting?

(the weatherman lied,
But this day feels new)

Thing that I currently enjoy.

1) The cute cheap jewelry I bought today
2) Five dollar bag sales that include books and clothes.
3) the feeling of paying off $140 of credit card debt.
4) Stabilizing my life, and saving for the future.
5) The huge empty space where my ugly plaid couch was
6) Large pillows for seating purposes.
7) Art, music, and a beautiful day off.
8) The smell of jasmine flowers.
9) Having senses to enjoy the world
10) Incubus, always...
11) Time and Space.

How I currently feel

1)like I could sleep for years and still be tired
2)as if I'm never going amount to anything, no matter how much love I spread and how much knowledge I obtain
3)the woods are lovely, dark and deep
4)the world is ugly, pale and shallow
5)being cute hasn't made me happy in a few years, but I haven't found a solid replacement yet
6)my boyfriend makes me happy, but I'm never sure if I am making him happy
7)I want nothing more than to make people smile, especially since it usually leads to my own smiles
8)I think I will make an awesome mother
9)I also think that if I don't have children at the correct time in my life that I will have serious postpartum depression and abandon my children
10) I inhale more and more with every breath by I feel like I'm getting less and less oxygen
11)it is so late that my eyes are involuntarily leaking tears sans emotion
12)I think I might just be a sociopath, but I don't get how this is possible considering how manic I am on occasion
13)I'm afraid that I'm receding back into polar emotions instead of the steady flow of ups and downs
14)I'm also afraid that my boyfriend will not be able to handle this when he gets to know me more
15)I am also also afraid that I will not be able to handle any of the above, freak out severely, cut all ties with those I'm close to, and run away.
16)regularly I feel like getting out of here is a great idea, but now I'm afraid of what I will be losing if I get out too quickly.
17)I don't know how to put any of my thoughts at ease other than these lists and trying to talk about things with people
18) normally this is fine, but now I have few people to talk to, less that will actually listen, and even fewer that will reciprocate.
19)all I want is to fall asleep and to walk up for my work meeting in the morning
20) all I want is a hug and to read a good book.

Thoughts at 5:30 a.m.

A person told me today that I couldn't change the world. Upon the discussion of cars, environmental science, and the worth of our earth, he denied that any person could stand up to the government and the people with money and truly be heard and make change. I was shocked to find a person who has such little faith in mankind. Immediately, I made myself heard. I elucidated my passion for the camaraderie of brothers and sisters of the world. People have so much more power than they think they do, and those that refuse to believe in change are the very ones that are helping continue the decay of the interwoven fibers of our society. I will make change in my life and my surroundings. I couldn't imagine being inside of myself so much that I couldn't reach to those near me. Though I often say that I dislike people, it is only those like minded to this boy that I truly have difficulty bonding with. By the end of our talk, he told me that I may have a shot at making a change as long as I keep pressing hard at full aptitude.

Love Oceanic.

I write poems in my head and forget the words
I forget about submersion and subversion
I forget about my gills,
All of my, "will you live me still?"s.

I do know that I want to be deeply under the sea
Far from the people and usage of trees;
To absorb the water into my skin
To swim with the fishes without any end.

Could you handle this depth?
Far below our familiar paces.
Under the bridges and swift passing faces.
We could slow us down, float in this viscosity,
But please promise to never slip away from me.

If you like it more sweet, we can skip the seas.
We could run to the river with just as much ease.
Bare with me, please, if I can't stand the pollution.
I may escape once more,
For sludge is the worst retribution.

So hold your breath,
Because I am now going in.
Watch me sink, sink, sink
Never to return again.
(unless you will come with, my friend)

Thinking about our heads. Incomplete.

I remember learning a long time ago that people only use about 10% of their brain daily. I've always wondered if ancient people had the capability to use all of their brain, and if this connected them to god or enabled them to live longer. I have similarly wondered if people with lower intelligence use less of their brain than those that are considered smarter, or if they use the same percentage less of the time.

What would happen if 100% brain activity was reached? How much of my brain do I use personally in a day? I learned once that symmetry increases lobe connectivity and brain function. There are pictures and exercises you can view and practice that make you FEEL the hemispheres of your brain fusing. The pictures are high resolution shots of nature that are naturally symmetrical. They then cut the image and apply split symmetry vertically to form a perfect and nearly naturally symmetrical looking image. It seems like a simple picture, how could something like a symmetrical picture of nature connect your left and right brain?


In this case it is the perfect combination of left and right brain activity, from the logical predictability of the symmetry, as well a the high resolution images attracting the artistic and imaginative right hemisphere.

No taxation without representation.

Sometimes I feel as though people have forgotten that the president is supposed to be our ultimate leader/figure head of our country. We fought to secure our freedoms and representation, but what do we want to represent?

Solely, I represent advancement, the search and sewing of truths and words, the new day and the development of a more efficient and self sustainable life. As a nation, we are represented by the spreading of lies of others, hate and distasteful comments. We show our eagerness to continue as we alway have without any regard for our past or our future. We stumble blindly forward, hoping that in four years another white Protestant male will come to the rescue and end our struggles.

As a nation, we collectively expect everyone else to make our problems dissipate, as we continuously add to them. Again we blame our precious representation, and applaud the men who say that they can do better. My only wish is for someone to say something more than, "I am better, and he is horrible". I would love to hear someone debate about issues that are relevant to our lives in a legitimate Socratic style debate. I want to dig deeper. I want to explore all of the ideas to know if they would benefit my nation and life.

I recently heard on the news reports of people's comments regarding republican candidates after casting their primary votes. Those who were against a specific candidate had many reason that they would never vote for him, even if he won the primaries. Those that voted for him had no specific reason for preferring him per the other candidates other than just hating the others, and many claimed they only vote for him based on the belief that he would become more conservative once in office.

I don't believe that we should just throw in whoever and hope for the best. I want to hold out for something better. I know that my country has the capacity for greatness, but the complexity of our government and culture has reached the point of handicapping our growth.







I am voting for Canada.

Interpersonal Relationships.

I've felt more recently that I am incapable of forming a proper interpersonal relationship with another being. In all senses, I have a constant distance to those around me. I am listening, but I'm not listening. I am laughing, but I'm not laughing. I am engaging and attentive, but.......

Limerence: an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated.

Overwhelming? Obsessive? I don't know if I'd take it THAT far, buuttt....

Note 1

Sometimes I just really need to write. I have so much to say but never anyone to talk to (at least that is interested in listening). I've found that I punish myself for thinking. To myself in my head I think as though I am wasting time that could be spent producing. In reality, in all of our minds, is it better to dream and wish and think, or is it ideal to work and push constantly to improve and go further? It's ironic to me that is think one should naturally go with the other. Is this wrong? Should I not think and not dream to further myself and improve my capabilities through reflection? Yet subconsciously I know I will torment myself when i catch myself idly thinking. Idle hands are the devils helpers (or something kitschy like that). I have also noticed that I am uncomfortable in my pronunciation of nearly all words which leads to the hindrance of my verbal communication skills. Typing or writing, I am vocabularily blessed through years of reading, studying, observation and perfecting. Vocally, I am insurmountably stunted by my lack of mid-frequency hearing as well as unsatisfactory speech therapy teachers provided by the St. Johns county school district.

I could never handle a romantic.

Is it too much to ask to be hit in the face every once in a while? To be grabbed and commanded?
I like men. Men that are men.
Do you like Plato? And do you comprehend the Socratic Method?
Congratulations, but can you change a tire? Locate a distributor cap? Lift a refrigerator?
Yes, I'm sorry, but this is important. Your mind is lovely and your words are well, but I need something more that a conversation.
I need pheromones. I need to know my place. I need you to "keep your pimp hand strong".
I know, I am disgusting. I am stereotypical, predictable. I am raw primal instincts, but what are you?
A boy who can't live without ionic bonds or the Golden Girls. A boy that doesn't do his taxes and plans for zombie invasions.
I guarantee you wouldn't last a zombie invasion,
If you are afraid of spiders.
I'm a fan of the hunter/gatherer type. Have you ever shot a gun? Can you pitch a tent?
Yes, a real tent. In the wilderness. Where you could potentially be mauled by wild animals.
What would you do with a wild animal? Pet it? Feed it trail mix?
I bet you would. I bet our camp would be infested with bears.
Sensitive boy, please give me something better. Please tell me that it gets better than this. Please! Be better than this!